July 6, 2010 § 13 Comments
A couple of days ago I was reminded that there was another big question to be answered. The first big question is scattered throughout this blog. It boils down to a theory of everything. I am leaning towards M-Theory. This of course is not based on any scientific or mathematic knowledge of mine. It is based solely (o.k. stick with me here skeptics. This is where it gets a little crazy.) on a whole bunch of images and ideas in my head that all came together all at once. I have described this before as an enlightenment or an epiphany. Anyway after learning how to meditate, I calmed my mind down enough to know I needed more information. So I studied until I found out that closest match to what was going on in my head was M-Theory. I think. Quantum Mechanics is heady stuff.
At the moment of writing this I pretty sure I believe in the theory of bubble universes, 11 dimensions, and The Cyclic Universe. It took me about two years of reading, watching documentaries and internet research to figure it all out. To be clear, all I figured out was what the crap in my head meant. I just matched it up with what real scientist had actually done. I have the most patient husband in the world. He knew he married a partially blind woman with Bi-polar disorder, and a bad heart. But he didn’t know he was in for someone who was going to have debates with the television about the nature of black holes.
Since my quest for understanding the universe is on hold until LHC finds or doesn’t new particles, it is time to look at the other part of this mystery. Obviously I am not psychic. I am intelligent but not enough to learn quantum physics overnight. All this information had to be stored in my memory somewhere. My mind was simply open to seeing it at that moment. As I have mentioned elsewhere, I did not start meditating until after this awakening. However, now that I look back at what led up to I guess I had been doing a type of meditation.
At the time of my enlightenment, I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. My Mother had died a couple of years before. My Father had died a few months before. A business venture my new husband and I had entered into with my brother had gone terribly bad and we had lost all of the money my parents had left me. (Never do business with family.) I was still recovering from… well dying. Less than a year earlier a blood clot got stuck on my mechanical heart valve causing my lungs to fill with blood. I thought I had pneumonia so I put off going to the doctor till it was almost to late. I died in the E.R. Short version.. Flight for life. Unprecedented surgery. Dead for 40 minutes. Doctors and nurses all shocked to see me live. I spent three weeks in the hospital. My kidneys failed. I had two mini strokes which caused my partial blindness and some weakness on my left side.
With all that going on, PTSD was inevitable. But of course I have an HMO so it went untreated. I cried myself to sleep every single night for at least six months. I cried every time I took a shower. Any time I was alone in a quiet place where I could hear my own thoughts I would end up crying. It was torture. Slowly I began to force myself to focus on things that made me happy like my husband. And asked myself questions like “How did we manage to find each other?”. Then I would trace all the decisions I made in my life (good and bad) that led me to him. Then I traced all the decisions he made. I kept doing this. Night after night, with my parents, with his parents, it just kept branching. Soon I could sleep at night without crying. I could get through most showers without crying or an angry rant. It wasn’t too long after that while riding home from Costco, BAM everything changed.
Now I would like to know WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Yes I know the Buddhists call it sudden enlightenment. I have seen the Science Daily post about Neural evidence for sudden insight but that is for a single task or behavior, not what happened to me. Not even close. I searched the internet for information on about consciousness. I was very quickly disappointed by the lack of scientific research. That prompted me to post this blog “Human Consciousness Taboo?”. I am so glad I did. One wonderful person posted a comment. Please read their comment and visit their blog when you get a chance. They led me to Dr. Susan Blackmore. I have spent the three days researching everything I can about her work I have much more to go. So far, I Think she is my new hero. I looks like she might be my best chance at finding out what happened to my brain.
I will be sharing many posts as I learn more, however this video on “The Grand Illusion of Consciousness” is wonderful.
June 14, 2010 § Leave a comment